Nonviolent Communication – Communicating from the heart

Non-violent Communication (NVC) has been described as a language of compassion, as a tool for positive social change, and as a spiritual practice.

NVC gives us the tools and consciousness to understand what triggers us, to take responsibility for our reactions, and to deepen our connection with ourselves and others, thereby transforming our habitual responses to life.

NVC is based on a fundamental principle: Underlying all human actions are needs that people are seeking to meet, and understanding and acknowledging these needs can create a shared basis for connection, cooperation and harmony.

When we are aware of our feelings and needs and include them in our conversations we can help ourselves and each other to meet those needs. This makes for more effective and more compassionate interactions between humans.

Understanding each other at the level of our needs creates such connection because, at this deeper human level, the similarities between us outweigh the differences, giving rise to greater compassion. When we focus on needs, without interpreting or conveying criticism, blame, or demands, our deeper creativity flourishes, and solutions arise that were previously blocked from our awareness. At this depth, conflicts and misunderstandings can be resolved with greater ease.

Nonviolent Communication focuses our attention on compassion as our motivation, rather than fear, guilt, blame, or shame. It emphasizes taking personal responsibility for our choices and improving the quality of our relationships as our goal. It is effective even when the other person or group is not familiar with this process.

By being aware of our own and the other person’s needs and by communicating our needs clearly to other people all parties involved can have more of their needs met which results in greater happiness in individuals and more harmony between people.

Nonviolent Communication is based on the premise that:
-) We are all simply trying to get our needs met.
-) We do better if we know how to get these needs met through cooperation rather than aggression.
-) People naturally enjoy contributing to the well-being of others when they can do so willingly.

The Intent of Nonviolent Communication is to:
-) Create more satisfying personal connections.
-) Meet our needs in ways that honor and respect our own and the values of others.
-) Heal from previous experiences and relationships that have been painful or unsuccessful.

With Nonviolent Communication Skills, You Can:
-) Resolve feelings of anger, guilt, shame, fear, and frustration.
-) Redirect anger or frustration toward coalition-building and cooperative outcomes.
-) Create solutions based on safety, mutual respect, and consensus.
-) Meet basic individual, family, school, community, and societal needs in life-serving ways.Nonviolent Communication is a 4 step process that teaches people how to:
1) Objectively observe a situation.
2) Identify the feelings that the situation brings up within them.
3) Go inwards and discover what the underlying needs are.
4) Request in a concrete, specific and actionable way what the other person can do to meet the need. Always with the freedom for the other person to negotiate or decline the request.

Read a 6 page introduction on the basics of NVC here. (mirror)

1. Observations
Observations are what we see or hear that we identify as the stimulus to our reactions. Our aim is to describe what we are reacting to concretely, specifically and neutrally, much as a video camera might capture the moment. This helps create a shared reality with the other person. The observation gives the context for our expression of feelings and needs, and may not even be needed of both people are clear about the context.

2. Feelings
Feelings represent our emotional experience and physical sensations associated with our needs that have been met or that remain unmet (see below). Our aim is to identify, name and connect with those feelings.
The key to identifying and expressing feelings is to focus on words that describe our inner experience rather than words that describe our interpretations of people’s actions. For example: I feel lonely describes an inner experience, while I feel like you don’t love me describes an interpretation of how the other person may be feeling.

3. Needs
Our needs are an expression of our deepest shared humanity. All human beings share key needs for survival: hydration, nourishment, rest, shelter, and connection to name a few. We also share many other needs, though we may experience them to varying degrees and may experience them more or less intensely at various times.

Maslow’s pyramid of the hierarchy of human needs gives a good idea of what is important to the surviving and thriving of an individual human being.

In the context of NVC, needs refer to what is most alive in us: our core values and deepest human longings. Understanding, naming, and connecting with our needs helps us improve our relationship with ourselves, as well as foster understanding with others, so we are all more likely to take actions that meet everyoneís needs.

4. Requests
In order to meet our needs, we make requests to assess how likely we are to get cooperation for particular strategies we have in mind for meeting our needs. Our aim is to identify and express a specific action that we believe will serve this purpose, and then check with others involved about their willingness to participate in meeting our needs in this way. In a given moment, it is our connection with another that determines the quality of their response to our request.

Therefore often our requests in the moment are “connection requests,” intended to foster connection and understanding and to determine whether we have sufficiently connected to move to a “solution request.” An example of a connection request might be: “Would you tell me how you feel about this?” An example of a solution
request might be “Would you be willing to take your shoes off when you come in the house?”

That is a pretty short version of the process. To understand it a bit more here in this video an example of a full workshop given by Marshall Rosenberg, the founder of Non-violent communication.

More video’s on this topic are available on YouTube. There are also several great books available on Nonviolent Communication to get deeper into this material.

It takes a bit of time and effort to understand this process but once you get it, it makes a lot of sense and it is very practical tool in your interpersonal relationships. It can really transform how you both interact with yourself and with the people around you. And so give you both more Inner Peace and Outer Joy in the form of more harmonious relationships with yourself and with others.

More information:
-) Website of the Center for Nonviolent Communication
-) Free NVC resources and handouts
-) Read a 6 page introduction on the basics of NVC here. (mirror)
-) NVC resources collected, list of feelings, list of needs, quick explanation of the proces, etc. (mirror)

Artwork by: Even Staranger – https://www.staranger.no/portfolio/