Hey Seryen’kiy,
I made this page to show you my appreciation for having gotten to know you and having you become a part of my life which I enjoy and appreciate a lot.
I think you are a kind, emphatic, sensitive, smart and interesting person. I feel a very unique and special connection to you and am looking forward to explore that further with you in our future.
I wanted to share some information here with you that might be of help in your journey to self discovery. To learn about yourself, others, the world and all the mysteries that lie beyond.
What I am sharing is mostly based on my own journey through my own issues I have been working through so far in this lifetime. I understand that each of our situations is unique but with the limited knowledge and experience I do have I think it might be of service to you.
I am also always open and curious for your input. I am curious about your life and love to hear more of your story whenever you feel ready to share it with me. The better I know and understand your story the better I can assist. But I also understand if you don’t want to share certain parts and fully respect that.
With the limited knowledge I do have about your story and with my desire to be of assistance to help you integrate all parts of yourself so you can become the most compassionate, wise and able version of yourself (it is an never-ending journey so there is no hurry and we are all perfect as we are in the here and now and there is room for growth) here is what I would like to share at this moment in time with you.
Our feelings and needs matter. It is important that we listen to them and that we surround ourselves with people that respect them and take them into consideration also.
Darlene Lancer personal experience and has helped people deal with finding themselves in a toxic relationship for decades. She has some great podcasts, youtube interviews, books and a good website filled with helpful information.
This is the most informative and to the point video on the Anxious Preoccupied Attachment Style I have found so far. The programming we receive in our youth that helps us survive in difficult/suboptimal circumstances can later cause us to repeat these suboptimal patterns due to something called our unconscious comfort zone and can create a vulnerability in us to become codependent.
The core problem is that narcissists prioritize power and sacrifice the relationship to get it, while their partners prioritize the relationship and sacrifice themselves to keep it.
It also increases our risk to end up in trauma bonded relationships later in our romantic lives. People are not to blame for this, this is not anyone’s fault, and people can reprogram it, as many have done.
By returning to our childhood with compassion and curiosity we can retrain our programming with which we navigate relationships later in life. We can improve our relation to our inner child and so with ourselves. From this healthier relationship with ourselves we can then attract healthier relations like better friendships and romantic partners.
One can reprogram their childhood relational patterning, many have gone before and shared their experiences and made it available online to assist others in their journey. This lady has helped me greatly in retraining my own fearful avoidant attachment style, I still can improve but it has become a lot better than where I was 4 years ago. Maybe she can assist you in your process also.
Heal Your Anxious Attachment Style FAST
00:00:26 – What Is the Anxious Preoccupied Attachment Style?
00:04:05 – Element #1: Get a Sense of Security from the Inside Out
Exercise – Here is a great list with self reflection questions to promote individuation.
Try to answer one or two questions each time to reflect on who you are and what is important to you in different important areas of your life.
00:06:18 – Element #2: Learn Your Needs
Exercise – Do a regular Needs Inventory – have a look at Maslow Pyramid of Needs & Compassionate Communication Needs List & Universal Human Needs Framework to see what human needs there are. Then make a list of 5 needs that you feel are fulfilled and you can be grateful for. And then identify 3 needs that are unmet and see how you can meet them better in your life. How are emotions and feelings connected to met and unmet needs?
00:07:53 – Element #3: Nervous System Regulation
Exercise – Here is a list of various methods for Nervous System Regulation. Try out a couple pick one or two that work well and make it a habit.
00:09:02 – Element #4: Learn to Question Your Stories
Exercise – Learn Mental and Emotional mastery. Investigate, turn around and transform stressful thoughts and beliefs. Learn to feel all emotions and release them.
-) Mental Mastery – Part 1: How our thoughts, beliefs and belief systems influence our experience of reality
-) Mental Mastery – Part 2: Learn to investigate, turn around and transform bad feeling thoughts & beliefs
-) Emotional Mastery – Feel the full Emotional Spectrum and learn how to process difficult emotions like shame, guilt, apathy, fear, sadness, anger, jealousy etc.
00:11:48 – Element #5: Learn Healthy Boundaries
Exercise – Here is a good explanation plus practical and simple exercises to learn to set healthy boundaries. By learning to set healthy boundaries one can stop people pleasing and self abandonment.
In addition a practical meditation. I actually really liked this guided meditation maybe it can be one entry point for you as well. Pro-tip, do 0.5-1 gram of magic mushrooms in nature and listen to this a couple of times. It worked like a charm for me at least. 😀
Inner Child Meditation for Codependency and Negative Programming
Once more, thank you for enriching my life with your presence.And I am looking forward to see how this co-creation between us will unfold further.
The most important demon in the Buddhistic sense that seems most difficult to face and acknowledge appears to be Shame.
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Shame and Complex Trauma – 6 Part Series
https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLpvbEN3KkqoJItM9a3-8kqr9zC73fwJPP&si=YWB4DpPwW7S-GhXJ
Part 1/6 – What is Shame?
https://youtu.be/IOQTfqUdypc?si=8BVSPWAf1iEJnHJB
Part 2/6 – Unhealthy Solutions
https://www.youtube.com/live/eMoyj12nsaA?si=f9NOd-EPyueasisN
Part 3/6 – How it Affects Relationships
https://www.youtube.com/live/uJm_uI9vwfo?si=uURuBAsXzVNVe3Kh
Part 4/6 – Shame Test
https://www.youtube.com/live/Or2Kgpht10Q?si=ZdErf_1Nr6IztWms
Part 5/6 – How Shame Affect one’s Thinking, Emotions and Actions
https://youtu.be/SreVVinAYCo?si=Wef5IjwgWCmG8LmN
Part 6/6 – Healing
https://www.youtube.com/live/7OZaCjbDqrA?si=DulGyYPoor_iv10S
Shame As A Prison
A sad reality about Complex Trauma is not just that it results in shame; it’s that the shame becomes a prison, keeping us from changing, growing, becoming healthy. Tim explores the many sophisticated layers of security in this prison that all work to prevent us from escaping – from growing.
https://www.youtube.com/live/eDfBdA5lgRI?si=XOC_uKSrI2VgS0wC
The Connection Between Complex Trauma, Codependency, & Narcissism
Tim offers up a masterclass on complex trauma and its connection to codependency. He breaks down how children who experience complex trauma in childhood will oftentimes have one parent or caregiver who is narcissistic or displays narcissistic traits and will in turn form a codependent relationship with that parent or caregiver.
Tim goes on to explain the cycles of codependent relationships, how addiction plays a role, what you can do if you find yourself in this type of relationship, and so much more.
https://youtu.be/wyeRSEYD1po?si=sHc03E_xmtwna5-G
Shame Distorts Good Qualities
Complex Trauma requires a child to make adaptations in order to survive and to try to get their needs met. Many of those adaptations are obviously unhealthy (lying, manipulating, masks, not trusting), but some appear to be good (be funny, work hard, be an achiever). But shame takes naturally good behaviours and does them for the wrong reasons, as well as overdoes them. Tim looks at 10 good behaviours that shame distorts.
https://www.youtube.com/live/UsVivY1M0AE?si=tFHoeNP4yUaKM6QR
How to Handle a Narcissist (Q&A with Tim, Part 8)
In this Q&A video, we go over of the most common questions about navigating relationships with narcissists, like: “Can a narcissist truly change?” “What steps can you take to heal a relationship with a narcissist?” “What is the likelihood of them changing?” and “How can you effectively end a relationship with a narcissist when fixing it feels impossible?”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qY82dJM2690
When is a relationship worth fighting for and when is the only answer to walk away? Is it possible to work through dysfunctional patterns with a partner and get the outcomes you want? Dysfunction exists on a spectrum, and just because someone has a personality disorder or dysfunctional traits doesn’t mean they will always become abusive. In fact, many people in difficult relationships don’t want to leave…they want to figure out how to make it work.
Darlene Lancer, a licensed therapist and narcissism and codependency expert, joined me on the show today to help break down what abuse is, why abusive relationships are so hard to leave and the situations where someone with narcissistic traits can change and become a good partner…and when it’s time to walk. She explains the five different types of abuse, the surprising and subtle ways it can show up and how our own childhood dynamics and emotional health play a role in how easily we can see and remove ourselves from abusive dynamics.
Darlene also explains why some non-abusive people with narcissistic personality traits can learn how to be supportive partners and communicate in better ways and why it’s necessary for codependents to build self-worth and change the dance with their partners.
Understanding and Ending Abusive Relationships with Darlene Lancer
On Youtube: https://youtu.be/07KB9fOp5Lc?si=GalZhwGNv4LNLajr
On Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/episode/0JWGgDPr7iWeHzMyfIBsof
Unlearning Codependency With Darlene Lancer
On Youtube: https://youtu.be/JgB6GRS5Fkw?si=e8XwFJVRxedIiYUI
On Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/episode/1XyzXsCm6OPyEEJCMQpLgO
Free E-book: Darlene Lancer – Dealing with a Narcissist 8 Steps to Raise Self-Esteem and Set Boundaries in Difficult Relationships
Awakening through Difficult Emotions: “The Poison is the Medicine”
Most of us know the pain of getting stuck in fear, anxiety, anger or shame. This exploration looks at how the emotion that takes over, when we attend with mindfulness and care, can become a place of deep transformation and freedom.
https://youtu.be/8lgWA4DpbBA
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Shame, Healing and Transformation, with Tara Brach
Being at war with ourselves blocks us from evolving our consciousness and living from our hearts. This talk distinguishes between toxic and healthy shame, as well as shame about our individual self and our group identity. We explore how, with self-compassion and courageous honesty, we can respond to negative, painful feelings about ourselves in a way that serves awakening and alignment with our deepest values.
https://www.youtube.com/live/dlFbtbivOLw?si=X1Xk7Z45UNmRyNWC
Guided RAIN Meditation (Recognize, Allow, Investigate, Nurture) Meditation
A 20 minute guided meditation session where with Tara Brach leads the listener through the 4 stages of RAIN – Recognize, Allow, Investigate, Nurture – to transform difficult emotions like, fear, anger, sadness, etc. Make it a daily routine if you like it.
https://youtu.be/W8e_tAEM80k?si=u9BdGa5GWxez9YZV
Breaking Away From Trauma Bonds, featuring Dr. Nadine Macaluso (The Wife of The Wolf of Wallstreet)
Dr. Les Carter is joined by Dr. Nadine Macaluso, her personal story was depicted in the movie, The Wolf Of Wall St. She specializes in treating relationship trauma and C-PTSD. Actress Margot Robbie played the role based on Nadine’s life. Once she broke away from her harrowing experiences, she took time to heal, eventually remarried, then earned her Ph.D. in Somatic Psychology. She has authored a book, Run Like Hell, detailing what she has learned.
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hdvCe8FlfCc
Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/episode/1snoJmKJhgCAsAZ7vIXcwH?si=luYz8AiTT-Wg-b1Q8D5REQ
Her book: Run Like Hell: A Therapist’s Guide to Recognizing, Escaping, and Healing from Trauma Bonds
At age twenty-two, Nadine married Jordan Belfort, the nefarious stockbroker portrayed in the Hollywood blockbuster The Wolf of Wall Street. Their marriage began as a fairy tale, but once they were bonded, Jordan’s “mask” began to slip, and acts of infidelity, narcissistic abuse, insatiable greed, and uncontrollable drug addiction became Nadine’s nightmare.
The horrific relationship gave Nadine the inspiration to become a psychotherapist specializing in narcissistic abuse, trauma bonds, and complex PTSD. Her private practice quickly flooded with women recounting an all-too-familiar story of abuse with a pathological partner. Perhaps this scenario resonates with you.